Meaning and Purpose

A couple of months ago, I came across this passage in Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud.  I actually stopped and went back to re-read it several times.

"People who are isolated emotionally feel that life has no meaning. Because they often confuse this feeling of meaninglessness with not having purpose, they desperately try to find meaning in some activity or ministry."   (italics mine)

It had never, before that moment, occurred to me that meaning and purpose were separate aspects of the human experience independent from each other.  Now that it has, I've been thinking about how to distinguish between the two things.

For me, it is easier to appreciate the distinction between meaning and purpose when considering inanimate objects especially gifts.  As an example, my most prized possession is a jade pendent given to me by my maternal grandfather on my 16th birthday.  As an object its purposes were to make a profit for the jeweler, to please me on my birthday and to ornament my neck.  If the chain breaks or I am careless and irreparably chip the jade, then the pendent will no longer be able to serve this third purpose.  But no damage can make it lose its meaning as a symbol of my grandfather's love and that I belong to his family.  (All the women on my mother's side of the family have similar pendents.)

Sometimes people can serve a purpose.  The woman who cuts my hair.  The man who delivers the mail.  The president of the United States.  But no matter how well they have served their purposes in the past, they must continue to serve them in the future or else they will be replaced, typically with no emotional distress on either side.  It would be strange to talk about what my hair stylist means to me, unless she and I have crossed from a professional (replaceable) relationship into a personal relationship that will continue even if she is no longer cutting my hair.

When talking about the people we know, we may say: he makes me laugh; she can always find a bargain; he is always available to help.  But if these are people we love, then we love them on days when they do not make us laugh; when they are too broke to shop with us; when they are too busy to help.

In reverse, I (at least) do not want to feel that my friends and family tolerate my presence only so long as I am useful to them.  Some days, I might be.  But if we believe that our meaning derives from what we do for other people (or more grandiosely - for God or for the world), then when something happens to render us unable to "do", it is natural for us to begin to believe that our lives (and by extension, we ourselves) have no meaning.  And this is clearly not the case.  It is ludicrous to ask a doting mother what purpose her new born child serves; the baby means everything to her simply because the baby is hers and not because the baby can render her some service.

So, if our feeling that our lives mean something does not (or rather, should not) come from our belief that our life has purpose, how do we derive meaning?

The paragraph I began quoting above continues:

"People who are isolated emotionally feel that life has no meaning. Because they often confuse this feeling of meaninglessness with not having purpose, they desperately try to find meaning in some activity or ministry. These attempts, however, only push them further into isolation. They are lacking the true meaning of life, which is love. One single man put it this way: “I work hard to make a lot of money and be successful, but it doesn’t mean much. I don’t have anyone to share it with. I feel empty.

These feelings of meaninglessness often come upon people after they have lost a relationship and have not yet replaced it. In the depression following the loss, they not only grieve, but go into isolation. They cut themselves off from other people. Their envisioning a life without meaning and hope can drive them to suicidal thoughts. They do not realize that lack of bonding is often at the root." 

My conclusion*: We feel we have meaning when we feel we are loved.  If we feel that we are connected to other people we will feel that our lives have meaning regardless of whether we feel a particular sense of purpose.

*As at the time of this post.